First, I wrote a poem to preface this post…
A Radical Death (Rebirth)
Shedding my old ways, old plans, old dreams,
Releasing the un-healthy, un-serving, and un-wanted,
Uprooting my negative thoughts, patterns and habits,
The falling away of pain and fear.This is a most welcome death.
I wrap my arm around this death,
It is no grim reaper here to stay,
But an unexpected visitor to my guest house,
A delightful guide from the beyond.I exhale.
Embracing systematic and profound change,
My purpose emerges with magnified clarity,
A reimagined roadmap to rebirth,
I surrender to the universal plan.I encounter radical acceptance.
Heavy armor I’ve carried far too long,
Detaching from my body, heart, and soul,
Piece by piece my former identity,
Crashing to the ground with magnificent ease.Unimaginable potential illuminated.
In the lingering silent void,
I hear the calling loud and clear,
Am I ready to follow this path,
To a stronger, brighter, lighter version of myself?Emphatically and unmistakably I respond… YES!
You will notice a pretty dramatic shift in tone from my last post. This multifaceted shift results from weeks of intentional internal work paired with a deeper understanding of my current cancer treatment plan and prognosis.
This has been a very difficult, yet at the same time, necessary shift. And, it is a very welcome transition from the deep despair I found my self stuck in. It was not in one moment, but through a series of disconnected moments that eventually weaved together to create a clear vision, that it became abundantly clear.
I, in fact, cannot do it all. And that is ok!
After 7 long weeks of post surgery complications, constant pain and facing a third surgery, I made the difficult decision to reduce my hours to part time at work in order focus on my recovery. Allowing myself the time needed to truly listen to my body, hear my intuition and accept the messages received, has made this dynamic shift possible. When I fully committed to this decision, on Sunday 4/25, my body immediately responded favorably.
On Monday 4/26, my drain tube was removed, as my body was rejecting it. And, while I was scheduled to receive ultrasound guided needle aspiration of lymph fluid yesterday, Tuesday 5/4, in preparation for another surgery, instead I healed. My body absorbed the fluid, my incisions healed up beautifully, and my range of motion improved dramatically within these few glorious days.
I am building strength in baby steps, improving each day. I’m now able to do daily physical therapy exercises, with astonishing results, and I’m scheduled to undergo my radiation planning CT simulation this Friday 5/7. Tattoo guide markings and all. I’ll start radiation treatment the week of the 24th. More to come on my updated treatment plan soon.
For now I’m going to rest, focus on self care and enjoy the new freedom radical acceptance has afforded me. Thank you for joining me on my journey. What a journey it is! 💕