Chemo Day 15 (Round 2 Day 1)

Hello from the chemo cafe

I’m writing from the chemo cafe where I’m plugged in and receiving Round 2 infusion through my nearly healed chest port. I can feel the coldness of the medicine as it passes through the tubing under my skin and into my heart. It’s an unfamiliar sensation, a little creepy even, but not painful at all.

Yesterday (Day 14) was rough. I was extra fatigued and the bone pain was intense, especially in my shoulder joints and scapula. And by late afternoon that heavy weighted feeling was back. By dinner time I had to visit urgent care to treat an infection and start antibiotics. And on top of it all, my hair officially started falling out.

I was surprised by my emotional reaction to the hair loss. I’ve anticipated, planned and prepared for this. Yet I cried and cried. I think it hit me that it’s time to give up that little bit of hope I was holding on to. That perhaps, I would be one of the lucky few that didn’t experience hair loss. No such luck.

In reflecting on my emotional response, I realized that without my hair, I would soon look like what most of us think of when we visualize a “cancer patient”. I don’t want to be sick. I don’t want to feel sick. And I don’t want to look sick. And yet, here I am.

So, I did what I do. I leaned in to the fight – not the fright – and asked Dylan to cut it all off today with a #4 on the clippers.

Bye Bye Hair

I’m not thrilled, but I have no regrets. I know it will help me with the transition. It is what it is (my 2020 motto). In the meantime, get ready to see some fun wig and hat looks coming soon. Thankfully the cold weather is on my side, it’s hat season! You know me…If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it all the way – in style!

Thank you for staying with me on this journey. More to come soon. 💕

13 Replies to “Chemo Day 15 (Round 2 Day 1)”

  1. Jsime says:

    I’ve been struggle with what to say to you. I’ve been so close but keeping my distance. Reading every post, but not knowing what to say! Why?!? I’m ashamed to say this out loud, but I prayed and prayed my cancer wasn’t like yours. I waiting for every test result to come back so I could check the box. The waiting game is the worse. And in the end I was able to keep my breasts and my hair. And now I feel absolutely horrible!!!! Selfish to think that way! You are much stronger then me. I’m soooo sorry you have to walk this path. I can only relate to the emotions you are going through, not the pain of chemo. I hate hate hate cancer and I wish I could help you through it. Thank you for being so strong. You really are showing women how to fight back. Love you Beven.

    • This made me cry happy tears. You should not feel bad at all! I prayed and prayed too… we all would/do, of course. And I prayed and prayed it wasn’t stage 4, and it’s not. But others will have stage 4, and they’ll pray for life. It is what is. We are only human. I Love you and I too am happy you didn’t have to have chemo… it sucks! But this too shall pass. I’ve got this! We will celebrate together with your sister when I’m done kicking ass! 💕

    • Nancy Hiser says:

      Jsime, I don’t know you but please be kind to yourself. You were being human and we all want to be well. I have been through several breast scares, and they can be terrifying. We are not 100% when we are that scared. Offer yourself forgiveness–you would do that for a friend. Nancy

  2. Blaine says:

    Beven — Thank you for sharing your insights, the poems and songs. One of my favorite podcasts talks about the “songs that are giving us life right now.” I feel life flowing through you in the ones you’ve shared, and your beautiful, reflective writing.
    My heart goes out to you, Dylan and your daughters. What a sh***y cherry on the top of 2020! I am hoping for the smoothest possible journey for you, and know as you’ve said, that there will be some hard days ahead as well. Please reach out if there’s anything we can do to help.

  3. Rosemary says:

    Dylan is a good buzzer. He bussed my head years ago. You are beautiful without hair. Sending you love and light. Hugs to you. ❤️

  4. Kim Kenney says:

    Beven we are all here with you! You are BEAUTIFUL and STRONG 💜 Love and hugs! K

  5. Nancy Hiser says:

    And, let me add, with a face like you have, Beven, and a spirit non·pa·reil, those hats and wigs will be fantastic toppers! I have known friends who welcomed back curly hair after losing straight locks . . . gentle hugs, N

  6. margaretlabrecque says:

    well if you feel like crap you certainly don’t look it! Sending kick-cancer’s-butt karma your way.

  7. Heather Williams says:

    You are so beautiful, inside and out!

  8. sue porter says:

    Beven – As tough as hair loss is, you’re even tougher. Nobody cares about your hair … we all love you. And yes, your creativity with hats or wigs or scarves or feathers, etc., will keep us entertained! – You write beautifully. – Much ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

  9. Chris M says:

    New cut looks dope! Straight outta chemo gangsta

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